My Sexy Secret Life

Security Guards

I have absolutely no problem with any profession with the exception of male supermarket security guards (and occasionally other types of security). With the kind of attention I get from them you’d think that I dressed up (rather than donning my jeans and not bothering with make up!) to do my grocery shopping, played suggestively with any phallic objects I found, filled my basket sky high with condoms and eyed up anyone in a security guard uniform like a sex addict who’d just managed to escape re hab. My recently discovered passion for shitake mushrooms and the quantities that I buy them in may be a little strange and perhaps memorable (!?) however it really doesn’t warrant the attention I get and just to clarify I don’t steal a single item!
The reason I get this unwanted attention, I think, is because I am friendly (ie I don’t just sweep past and ignore them I say hello) and I shop alone so they compute that I am single.

After a few visits to his place of work the amorous security guard will start ramping up his meet and greet routine and even if I do manage to avoid him at the door he will generally manage to find me at some point during my shop, smile like a lottery winner and proceed to ask me how I am, where I have been – I haven’t seen you in ages (yes, I know I have been AVOIDING you!!) what do I think of the weather, why am I here (yes, really!) until I eventually manage to shake them and do what I came to the supermarket for…. this I have discovered is the standard security “Whooing” phase and it is so predictable that I can only  presume that they teach it at supermarket security guard college.


Unless I manage to nip the “Whooing” phase in the bud, which is difficult as even eye contact at this stage seems to have the same affect as donning a fur coat with no knickers and yelling “come and get me boys” what happens next is sadly predictable – they will try to give me their number and/or try to ask me on a date which is never going to happen. If I wanted to date I would join a dating site and if my beloved ended up being a security guard then that would not be an issue, he would not however have become so by cornering me in a supermarket while I am trying to grocery shop and test the very limits of my patience and good manners.

I really do try to avoid things getting to this level but if it they do feel its appropriate to desperately press their mobile number into my clenched fists and/or ask me on a date while I desperately try to avoid any eye contact then I get to the point where I very calmly and clearly state that this is entirely inappropriate. Alas, that doesn’t always stop them from coming on strong at which point I do get cross. All I am trying to do is do my flipping shopping! I neither want nor deserve this attention…. invariably they will end up looking like a kicked puppy (please don’t think that I would ever condone kicking animals – it’s just that wounded look of shock and hurt pride) and I put into force my complete avoidance strategy, boycotting the store entirely which can be pretty annoying if that particular shop is the most convenient store to me…(and especially if it sells very nice shitake mushrooms! 😦 ).